drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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