My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
