Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize