So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
