god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
