I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
