My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
