There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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