She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
