Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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