I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Randomize
