Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
