i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
