Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Is Oprah even human
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
