My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
