He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
