I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
