I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
