you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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