nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
