"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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