Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
