The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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