And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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