I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
