Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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