I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize
