I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize