Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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