i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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