dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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