I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
