She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
