so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
