Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
