Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
