A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
