Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
