I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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