I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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