I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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