i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
