I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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