Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
