The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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