so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
