my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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