no, he came in my armpit
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
