"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
