i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
