6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
