***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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