The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
