thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
