I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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